Some thoughts on worship, anxiety, and religion
Day 5 of my writing streak
I'm traveling today, I'm not sure if I'll have time later so I'm writing earlier in the day.
It struck me that my friend prays every morning, so I decided to pray in the morning too. I'm not trying to trigger anyone who has religious trauma, some people are deeply anti-religious which I respect. Though as I write this, I cannot think of someone I have met in-person who has expressed these types of views. It's only ever been over the phone or on internet forums. I stopped speaking to someone who seemed to scoff at how I talked about exploring Catholicism a little bit more. At the very least I do my best to accept my friends, and I only want friends who accept me. I like to celebrate people's differences, not alienate them.
Often I wake up and my mind is racing over all of the things that I need to do. I have planned ahead a little bit today, this involves reviewing the conference agenda, and aiming to get some work done on the plane ride assuming I don't get too motion sick. I have this splitting headache today. I'm not sure why my head hurts so much. I think part of it is because I have not exercised the past few days. There is always an excuse NOT to exercise. It dawned on me this morning that I only packed ONE bra! But, I'm going to make it work over the four day conference. Just handwash, I guess, and hope my chest doesn't hurt too much as I exercise. Hotels have a gym for a reason. It's not a sports bra though, I suppose I could TRY to get away with not wearing a bra during the conference, but I definitely notice a difference when I'm not wearing a bra. My chest kind of jiggles more, maybe that's a little NSFW to write about, but is it really a big deal at a women's conference? What about the women who have bigger boobs? They have to move around no matter what, they could wear the tightest sports bras, but the laws of physics applies to everybody. I wonder if it matters if I wear a bra or not.
What do I worship?
After I woke up I journaled a bit, I dumped out all of the things I was anxious about. I also prayed. For some, religion gives a sort of "beacon" or "compass" that provides direction for daily life. Part of my anxiety is a lack of direction, a lack of goals, a lack of the "why the heck am I even doing all of this crap" feeling. You can't just read a book and suddenly be fixed out of all of your anxiety. The human brain does not work that way. Religion helps to fill the "god-shaped hole" in my heart, which some say every human has. We all worship something. If you do not worship a religion, you might worship material things or societal status.
I used to worship material things. But, after getting myself into a bunch of debt and then getting out of it, I realized that was wrong. I kept shopping and shopping and I still wasn't happy.
I used to worship societal status. Then I got a job at a Fortune 500, doing cybersecurity consulting. I realized I didn't like my job, and I still wasn't happy.
I thought going back to grad school would instantly fix all of my problems. News flash, my problems are still here, I am just in grad school now. I suppose the difference is my relationships with other people are a lot stronger. Isn't that much more valuable than anything else? It doesn't feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had more money. I don't have a lot of money right now but my life is a lot richer in other ways. I know a lot more people, I feel like I can bond at least a little bit easier with folks. It sometimes feels like no progress is being made but my therapist and my career coach beg to differ.
Some thoughts on the Bible
In the end I hope to be kind. I hope to also join the Catholic church, because so far, it seems that there is a big emphasis on kindness, even to those who have "trespassed" on you. I know religion is a touchy subject, and the Bible is this huge tome that is written in a way that you can interpret any way you want. You can argue that it perpetuates hatred. But, you can also argue that it encourages high morals and kindness. It's up to you, the message you want it to send to you. You can argue that for many different religions and their teachings. To me, people often want concrete, black and white answers. But, humans are not computers. We don't think in simply "1" or "0". There's a lot more nuance than that.
Clenching my teeth, mindfulness and quitting coffee
I'm being mindful every day, albeit not well. I do breathing exercises, and I am working through the first exercise from the book Into the Magic Shop. It's really difficult. It's difficult to do a body scan, it's difficult to feel relaxed. I don't know if it gets easier each time I do it. But, I have to keep trying. I often don't realize it, but I clench my teeth. I clench my teeth a lot. I know part of it is my caffeine intake, but I don't want to try to quit caffeine while I'm at a four day conference. I don't think that would end up well.
My quit date - April 7th, 2025
People manage to quit stuff way more intense than coffee. Things like alcohol and addictive street drugs that I don't even comprehend what they do to a person's life. So, why do I struggle so much to quit coffee? It's just coffee, and I have probably spent hundreds of dollars on coffee total throughout my life. It's only getting more and more expensive. At the airport I spent nearly $4 for a 12oz cup of coffee! Isn't that kind of insane? I feel as though this is a little bit insane. FOUR DOLLARS????? FOUR??? It's not that much cheaper if you enter the city or literally any coffee shop ever. Coffee is no longer a dollar. I think I spent at least $2 on coffee at the convenience store on my drive to the airport. So I spent $6 on coffee today. That adds up.
It dawned on me that sometimes what I spend on eating out in a month could easily be over half of what my friend pays for her rent. She shares a two bedroom apartment with four other people, and she pays $350 for her share. Eating out is one of my guiltiest habits that I have a hard time cutting. It should really be reserved for travel, or dates, not really day to day at school. I find myself wondering how much I could have saved if I just didn't eat out all of these years.
Learning about childhood trauma and a fear of acceptance
I enjoy listening to HealthyGamerGG and Patrick Teahan. I typically listen to them on my longer commutes to school. I mean, I guess it's not really the most enjoyable experience to hear someone talk about mental health struggles and how you relate, but it's good education. I like educating myself on these topics, they provide a lot more insight into myself. Admittedly I purchased Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health a few months ago and have never taken the time to really lean into the material I purchased. Perhaps I will start doing that.
I listened to The Fear of Being Accepted and resonated with that sort of internal turbulence he described where someone who does not have a high self-worth may sabotage "good" relationships they run into because of this deep set belief that they do not deserve love or kindness. I feel as though I do this in my current relationship, which perpetuates this cycle of "oh, this person is definitely going to leave me" and then "I am self aware that I am doing this so I'm definitely too much for this person, so therefore they are going to leave me."
I also listened to Believing Me where I related to the feeling that all my issues were my fault, instead of holding the adults in my life accountable for their actions. I grew up being told "other people have it worse than you, so get over it." I plan on reading the book described in the podcast sometime in the future.
The trap of educational material
Recovery takes a long time. You're not suddenly cured after listening to a podcast or reading a book. You have to put in the work in order to recover. I am considering taking a break from reading educational material and focusing on myself.