Noisy Autopilot
Day 6 of my writing streak
I feel a deep sadness sometimes.
I got the opportunity to go to the Women In Cybersecurity conference. I leave for home tomorrow. It's been a great experience. But I am tired now. I am sad that I have to go home. At the same time, I want to go home.
I am sad that I have to leave a supportive community of people that seem to accept me for who I am, to go home to crappy roommates and a dysfunctional family. But, going to this conference made me realize I have a lot more going for myself and that I shouldn't let people drag me down like I have been.
When I am tired I sometimes scroll. I started scrolling on LinkedIn again, at conferences like these having LinkedIn on your phone is touted as essential as everyone uses it. I am forced to use it. But, there is so much noise. My brain goes back to autopilot. Noisy autopilot. I feel like an engine that keeps revving with no movement.
At the very least I finally feel validated over leaving my old job. But, sometimes I wish I stayed for the stability especially with the recent economic downturn. Sometimes it feels hopeless. Then I think about it, I went through all of this shit. With family, with past relationships, with depression, with medications, with using spending as a coping mechanism. And now I'm here. My relationships are richer than ever, but everything else feels like it is lacking.
I am frustrated with myself and my lack of progress in my technical abilities. It never feels like I am growing or learning. I feel fucking stupid. I feel like material does not hit the same. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it is this deep set belief that I am not good enough for anything, after everything I have been through. But everyone tells me I will be fine. Maybe it is because I am no longer the smartest person in the room. Not anymore.