My struggle is my privilege
I came up with this paradigm today. I’m at a frustrating point in my life where the struggle just feels endless, where I’m losing hope that it will ever get better.
The last time I felt like I was on a high was the last half of 2022. I was souped up on medications after being hospitalized. I lost a bunch of weight. I got industry certifications. I was on a roll. And then, I don’t know what happened. I fell right back down, probably because of my failing relationship. I was engaged to someone who wasn’t right for me, someone that didn’t treat me right. I thought I was just going to stay at this one company forever, but deep down I was dissatisfied and yet I found it so difficult to self regulate.
When I look back I wish I studied harder and did more with my time. Instead I wasted it on trying to please shitty boyfriends and surfing the web. I was so depressed and my mind wasn’t right. I had very little hope for the future and I was comfortable. The paychecks kept rolling in. But I wasn’t growing. I felt so alone. I felt like I had no friends.
So I said screw it and went back to school, “to find myself”. It has been forcing me to grow, certainly. But I was misguided and thought that I would no longer be depressed coming into school. No, that was not the case. I am still depressed. I still have the case of “I seriously feel like I am not fucking learning anything.”
And yet, recently one of my mentors mentioned that she was so privileged to be able to get up and walk every day. So I try to see that too. In the moment I get so caught up in these negative thought patterns, I forget what is good in my life. Another mentor mentioned that maybe this struggle is a good thing, in a sense that I can maybe mentor someone younger than me down the line. It is hard to think that I will see my mentors die. One of my mentors passed recently, and I didn’t know what to think of it. It is hard to believe that he is gone, I never got the chance to speak to him again, but I had meant to set something up.
I suppose that it is a privilege to be able to stress about school. To not have to worry about money. To be able to live off of microwave vegetables and vegan meatballs. To have a messy room. To have a phone. To be able to sit here and write about my depression. To be able to forget to pray to God, or even think about joining the Catholic Church.
I think I’m gonna sleep soon, and try again tomorrow.