Making Time
I decided I wanted to start planning my week in advance. I took some time today and set some goals for the week. It turns out that I really like writing so I also started breaking down my different tasks into smaller pieces so I can manage them a bit better. I found myself falling into a sort of flow state where I didn’t need pomodoros to function. I find that pomodoros make me focus on getting to the next break as opposed to the actual work.
I was sitting in a coffee shop, just doing my thing. It was the evening so I had a cup of decaf coffee. Cutting back on the caffeine has done a lot for my anxiety. I had the original intention of going to mass but then I decided that I was too far into a flow state to go. It was quite odd, five minutes before the mass was supposed to start I started having connection issues. Instead of connecting to the coffee shop network I had opted to use my phone hotspot, which typically does not give me any issues. I was a bit unnerved by this and decided that this was a sign that I ought to go to mass, even though by this point I was going to be late. Mass was a 10 minute walk from where I was at. It was a pleasantly cool night, the kind where you would want to be walking. Just slightly chilly, but not so cold that you want to retreat inside. Still, you would want to wear long sleeves.
I’m pretty new to this religion thing and I haven’t made much time to do a lot of research into the different traditions. In all honesty I felt like it was March 1st, I blinked, and now it’s almost mid-April. I have no idea where my March went. I was this cluster of anxiety the entire time, and I don’t know why other than, I just couldn’t handle the stress of grad school and roommate drama. I also noted that I didn’t go to mass all that much in March.
I suppose the Sunday before Easter is a special kind of mass as all of the religious statues were covered up in purple cloth. I’ve noticed that every Catholic mass typically has a theme, and today’s theme was essentially about doing the right thing and allowing religion into your life as opposed to saying “it’s too hard.” I still feel weird writing something like “allowing Jesus into your life and heart”. I have this tendency to perhaps write in a more secular fashion as I did not grow up religious and I was taught that Christians were hateful people, “bible thumpers” as they were sometimes called. I think there are some people that use religion as an excuse to be terrible people. I have a friend who strayed away from religion even though he grew up with it as a result of those people. The Bible is a huge tome and in all honesty because of the way it is written you can use it to justify literally anything, it is up to reader interpretation.
I really just want to do the right thing every day. I am trying my best to manage my anxiety, anger, and stress levels. Sometimes I feel angry towards people who have hurt me. In today’s mass we listened to the story about how Jesus did not condone violence after someone’s (I’m sorry, I’m really not familiar with these stories at all) ear got cut off, and he even healed them. I’m seeing this pattern that encourages forgiveness, not hatred against people. It makes me think of a comic I read recently, called “The Technopriest”. It wasn’t really the best comic, but the main character was always this holy type of character that never became angry against the evil of the world.
But really, thinking about the themes of today’s mass - it just helps me not be so freaking angry against people.
Writing this, I’m not trying to push religion on anyone, especially if they have religious trauma. I don’t think that’s right. When you use religion as a form of control on children, it damages them for life. But I think it’s important to make time for what is important to you. I almost didn’t go to mass, but I made time for it, and I’m happy that I did. Going to mass helps me think about how I can be a better person. We all need a guiding set of principles, religion or not. Otherwise we end up lost in life. We need the right principles too. I used to want to get the most prestige or money. That was my set of guiding principles. I was absolutely miserable.
I had told myself “I don’t have time for mass” when in reality, I did. I made time to go. It’s the stories we tell ourselves that affect the things that we do. Lately I have been telling myself that “yes, I can do this thing” and that has also been helpful.
I just want to make the most of my limited time on this planet.