I finally quit coffee
I don’t rely on it as a crutch anymore. I think it took a few meltdowns before I realized I needed to just… not have it anymore. It’s been a few days, at least since Sunday. I don’t plan on drinking coffee again. Just decaf. Living without the anxiety feels great. (Note I still have anxiety, it’s just not quite as bad) The downside is the depressive swings, caffeine is a great antidepressant. And well… sometimes I struggle. I’ll feel really down and it can take a bit of just stepping away from people to feel better. I’ve taken note of this, the feeling of sadness where it’s as though I can’t get out of it. What seems to help is rest. Just getting away from people, maybe losing myself in something to read.
My room seems to be perpetually messy, still. Perhaps this is the next thing I will tackle. I made better progress today in my studies. I realize I have a lot of support and I have a lot of people who care about me. I’m tired of all the fighting, all the drama. Some days I just want to live my life in peace.
Today I sat and planned the day for 25 minutes (a pomodoro) before actually doing anything. That seemed to help a lot with my sense of organization. I spent the later half of my day in my room. Sometimes I got distracted but for the most part I got lost in whatever I was doing, this is a good thing. It brings me back to my childhood, when I enjoyed learning for the fun of it and it wasn’t turned into a chore because of school.
Overall it was a good day today. I look forward to building a better future for myself. I guess that’s why I left my old job. To invest in myself, even if it meant less money now. And plus, screw it. I’m at a point in my life where I have no obligations, I can just start over somewhere. I don’t have children. I suppose my pets would be fine if they never saw me again, they have people to care for them. So I guess that’s what I did by throwing my old life away. It sucked anyway. Just opening your laptop to work and then not have any friends or any meaning to your life while your supposed “romantic” partner just abuses you physically and financially. It was miserable.