Healing
My goal is to write everyday. This is Day 1, so no writing streak has been accumulated yet.
I've been struggling a lot in my life lately.
Scratch that, not lately. I've been struggling for what feels like forever. The struggle came to an inflection point earlier this week when I flew into a rage at an apartment that I share with roommates I started having issues with. The kitchen counter was absolutely filthy and after everything I had been through my entire life... After all of the abuse, bullying, screaming, yelling and emotional pain I just couldn't take it anymore.
I cleaned the kitchen in an absolute rage. I couldn't help but slam doors, slam dishes, and overall express how fucking pissed off I was. It was not just a cleanliness issue. It was a gaslighting issue. It was an emotional manipulation issue. It was a "you are taking advantage of my kindness and still being mean to me" issue. It was a "I can't afford to have my credit killed just because you can't afford to pay rent on this stupid shared lease because I want to start a family and buy a house in the next few years" issue.
I heard my roommate begin to come downstairs into the kitchen and I knew it was not going to end well so I hurried out and left. Thankfully I have another place to stay, though it's a lot farther from where the rest of my life is. And so now, I'm stuck paying rent on an apartment I don't want to be at anymore, until I find someone to take on the burden of this stupid shared lease. Which, I would advise ANY reader not to EVER go onto a shared lease unless you absolutely trust that person 100%. Do not ever get onto a shared lease with a stranger.
I was not proud of my rage. In fact, I got into my car, I was shaking - this was unlike the person I had fought to become over many years. In my youth I had intense anger issues stemming from tumult at home, though no adult at school suspected anything because I had excellent grades.
This meaningless conflict has begun to get in the way of my studies, but in some ways I'm glad it happened because it made me realize that I will never get to where I want to be unless I learn how to control my emotions. That's why I started this blog, which I have titled Taking Back Emotional Control to chronicle my journey.
No, it's not necessarily starting just today. This has been many years long, but I am frustrated with myself, and frustrated with the progress that I have made so far. Yet, it is hard to quantify what "progress" means from a mental health perspective. To me, it certainly feels like I am running around in a circle, not making any progress. Though my career coach and my therapist would argue that it seems that I have made progress based on our conversations. My career coach described it as "you are moving in a circle, but the circle is moving forward, if that makes sense."
So I suppose, something like this:
Last night I was so ashamed of my rage, it felt like I was regressing. I prayed and told myself I would become the person I am meant to become, that I would free myself from these self-imposed mental barriers that I have placed on myself. My career coach tells me that I am trying to eat too many parts of the elephant all at once, that I need to just take it one at a time. Perhaps this means one task at a time. Perhaps this means one day at a time. I have struggled so much with anxiety, depression, and anger. I am dissatisfied with where my life has ended up.
At age 24 I was supposed to be married, with a house, with financial stability, and maybe with kids on the way. Well, none of that happened. I jumped ship and quit my job and went back to school - I find myself questioning if this was the right choice pretty often. Yet, it is too late to turn back. I have to keep moving forward. When I look back at the circumstances I came from, I should not be where I am at now. Many of cousins have effectively "failed to launch" - meaning they have never stopped depending on their parents well into adulthood. They are not in education or training, and sometimes they are not even working a job. They are stuck. This is the fate of many first-generation children of refugees, forced out of their home countries because of war.
Part of why I decide to keep going is because when I go out into the world, I can't find anyone else with a background similar to mine. I need to make something of myself to show that you can break the cycle. You can break away from the vicious cycle of misery caused by intergenerational trauma.
Progress I have made today
Working out
I worked out. I ran for about 30 - 45 minutes total, perhaps not straight, but I went outside and ran in two different sessions. Running feels great. I am not the best runner but it doesn't matter. I am beginning to believe that mental and physical health go together and that you cannot reach full emotional control without excellent physical health.
Intrusive thoughts
I have had this problem where I play out fake conflict in my head. Where, I am preparing to FIGHT with someone, to ARGUE with someone. It's this chronic stress I feel, where I play out a conversation in my head and my responses to it. Right now the intrusive thought is about how my roommate might try to fight with me or bother me. I tell myself this is irrational, that it is my brain trying to think its way through to a solution, when really, the only solution is time. This issue is going to be resolved soon as I am looking for a replacement. Do I regret slamming doors and being in complete rage? 100% I do. I could not recognize who I was in those moments, though I am only human.
I try to focus on my breath when I have intrusive thoughts that seem to be getting in the way. Sometimes focusing on my breath is difficult and it doesn't seem to be doing anything. But I keep going, and I chant to myself one of the following depending on what I am trying to accomplish. I say it in my head, I'm too embarrassed to say it out loud.
"I am a good person." "I am calm." "I can focus."
Dealing with circular thinking and anxiety
I suppose this goes along with intrusive thoughts. I have had many days where I have gotten absolutely paralyzed and told myself "I need to rest."
In reality, I learned that I need to keep myself occupied. It's not necessarily pushing my feelings away. It's acknowledging them and doing my best to move forward. A family member insisted I cancel a call with a fellow student yesterday - I had meant to tutor the student in some programming concepts and this call had been rescheduled just about three times already. I went through with the call anyway, and I felt a lot better.
Instead of letting myself do nothing it is much more important for me to keep moving forward, to keep doing something, to make sure I am making progress.
Finally doing that thing I kept putting off
I finally finished a task that I was seriously putting off for a while. It was eating at my mind and I am so happy to have gotten it done. And well, that thing, was taxes. It is very worth it to sign up for tax support through your tax filing software. You get to talk to a real human who will do their best to explain your taxes to you and to minimize the amount that you have to pay. I learned that if you get an academic stipend that is untaxed, you ought to keep track of your expenses because it reduces your tax burden. I definitely have NOT been doing that as I've never learned about taxes... But now I know and it feels great to understand a little bit more about something that has always intimidated me.
Areas of improvement for the rest of the day and tomorrow
Cleaning up my spaces
I think your space can sometimes be an indicator of your mental state. In all honesty, I've been working on my emotions but I have struggled heavily with keeping my spaces clean. I have too many possessions, and I don't have set places for them. This is something I am going to work on. I just plainly, have more material items than I can comfortably handle.
Continuing with my studies
I want to keep going with my studies. I need to make sure I study every day, even if it is only a little bit. No more excuses about "my anxiety getting in the way", or "life getting in the way." I haven't formally studied yet today but I did finish reading a book that helps me in my area of study. I'd like to set due dates for stuff that feels a little bit more open-ended than I would like for it to be. Additionally, I really want to do more spaced repetition to retain what I have learned.
Project / task management
Goodness gracious I am SO BAD at this! At least, I feel as though I am kind of bad at this. I have gotten away with historically keeping everything in my head. It's very impressive what I have achieved doing this, in my opinion, I am learning to be proud of myself. But, adult life will only grow more hectic and chaotic. I have to do better for myself. I must do better for myself. There are so many "methods" for keeping track of your todos it is very overwhelming.
Cutting out the noise
This goes along with adopting a more regular mindfulness practice. Historically as an anxious person, I would constantly check email, messages, and discord and feel constantly... overwhelmed! It's so much noise! Since I have focused on my breathing, cutting out the noise has become a little bit easier but I know it takes time. Cutting out reddit helps too. I used to struggle terribly with an internet addiction. Perhaps that's a topic for another blog post...