Forever an outsider
Day 3 of my writing streak
I often think about "what could have been" or "what SHOULD have been". Obviously this type of thinking is not constructive, but it's a thought loop I've had for a while. I do my best to keep looking forward.
As I reflect on my life so far I find that can I give myself more compassion for my previous failures and my current feelings. But, I can't help but always feel like an outsider wherever I go. I understand that my feelings are universal, that many people have had turbulent childhoods, some worse than mine. I struggle to feel truly connected with the people that I interact with, even people that I consider friends. There is usually something missing, but I can't define what it is. Even as a young child, I felt this lack of connection, like there's a missing wire, or perhaps the friendship isn't real. The only time I felt a true sense of community and bonding was in middle school when I ran cross country. The coach was kind and encouraged us to have fun as opposed to putting a huge emphasis on winning. I think it brought him joy to see children happy.
It makes me sad, but I suppose part of healing is feeling your emotions as opposed to suppressing them. Working on this blog is part of that process. I feel like I never truly had a childhood, and going into adulthood I was emotionally numb and stunted. Part of why I decided to go back to school was to try to have that "college experience" that I feel like I missed out on, but it's just not the same. When I graduated high school I opted for community college, and then when the pandemic hit, online college to finish my bachelor's degree. In community college, there were not a lot of school clubs, and I was working 30+ hours a week, so there was not much time to make friends. During the pandemic, well, I struggled with the online-only interactions. It just doesn't work for me. Friendships work out better for me if I met someone in person first and then continued interactions online. It doesn't seem to work all that well for me the other way around.
Now, here I am, with the opportunity to have "that college experience." It's just not the same. I'm not an undergrad. I don't have any general education courses to take. I don't live on campus. I'm older than everyone. A few years difference between your early twenties and mid twenties can translate to a huge difference in maturity and life experience. I also realized again, that I don't enjoy taking in person classes, so as to why I opted to go back to school in person, sometimes I don't really know. I suppose it was less about the classes and more about developing myself as a person and defining some direction in my life. My life wasn't going anywhere. I just felt so stuck, and everytime I tried to climb out of it I had no direction so I would just fall right back down.
I do my best not to feel resentful against people who came from loving, supportive, safe homes but it's difficult sometimes. Again, I just keep trying to move forward.
Things that are going well
Productivity
I had a more productive day today. I've come to terms with the fact that I may need to pull more than 8 hour days some days. I guess it's all arbitrary.
Spending time outside
Spending some time outside is healing for me.
Energy levels
I feel less tired than usual today.
Things I could improve on
Exercise
I didn't exercise today. I had a longer commute and didn't bring any workout clothes.
Sadness
My day has had this underlying twinge of sadness. I don't know why it's there or what it's doing. I am just accepting it and trying to move forward. I have attempted to pray and meditate, it helps a little bit not as much as I would like. I understand that you cannot have light without darkness, so I suppose you cannot have happiness without sadness. What's better though, is that I am not letting the sadness make me idle. I am genuinely trying my best to stay in motion. An object in motion stays in motion, as the classic physics paradigm goes.