Day 2 - Counting my blessings
Day 2 of my writing streak
(Part of this is being written the day before this is posted, so is the streak above a lie? Only the reader can decide...)
Yesterday went well. I took time to recover. I exercised a lot.
Today I had a good day. I spent 8 hours in a cybersecurity competition. I learned a lot and got to know some wonderful people.
I was reading about the earthquakes in Myanmar which helped me put my problems into perspective. Maybe my problems aren't so bad after all. That is not to say you should tell someone "well, someone ELSE has it a lot worse so you should stop being so sad and get over it." That's the message that was given to me my entire life, I don't think it was helpful at all. Yet seeing this news story, it's a reminder that yeah, a lot of people have it a lot worse right now and I ought to count my blessings. That's advice I've been given recently. To learn to be more grateful for what I have. Write 10 things you are grateful for today, it sounds cheesy but it does seem to help.
Some new insights
Looking into shadow work
I listened to HealthyGamerGG talk about how doing shadow work can help you live a fuller life, regardless of if you are a super over-achiever or someone who failed to launch. In essence he talks about how our "shadow" is the part of us that is suppressed as a defense mechanism, and by acknowledging and working with that part of yourself, you can become freer from the mental shackles holding you back. In some ways I feel like I am in the weird in-between of an over-achiever and someone who "failed to launch." I did not fail to launch but I feel as though I had a successive string of achievements followed by a fair bit of nothing-ness. Of course, if you looked at my resume you might argue otherwise. I have been described as "doing well" by family members, which I'm not sure is true. I would like to look more into "shadow work" and how I can do it. This talk resonated with me - I related to how oftentimes we may hate others who are expressing themselves in ways we wish we could. For example, I used to feel incredibly jealous and hateful of people who were more successful than me. I would think "well, they had a better start to life, and that is why I am not as successful as them." And perhaps having a better start to life is true in some regards, in terms of family support, family functioning and college funds... But hating someone because they had more than me to begin with is not healthy. In part this was an excuse for me to justify my own laziness when I failed at something I tried to do.
Thinking about quiet time
I used to listen to podcasts all the time, while working, while doing literally anything. I used to fall asleep with a podcast on. Even as a child I would fall asleep with the TV on. I'm a lot better with this now, I think having more quiet is something you can benefit from because it allows your mind to breathe. The human brain did not evolve to deal with a world where we are inundated with a constant stream of information - so I find myself wondering if many of us are simply overwhelmed. Yet, sometimes I don't want to deal with my thoughts. I just want to drown them out. Like, when I'm cleaning up my room or even when I'm running. I want to get to a point where I don't need to listen to music while running, but I just want to get into the habit of exercising regularly first, even if that means I have to listen to music.
A chat with a friend
I chatted it up with one of my old friends today. I have only seen him three times in person, it's a bit of a long story but a fun one - maybe for another time. We are starting this tradition now where we try to design a sticker for DEFCON every year, to pass out to other people, just for fun. Last year we designed a sticker poking fun at the CrowdStrike incident and people absolutely adored it. As to which sticker we designed, perhaps I will leave that as a mystery.
He told me "ever since you left your job, you laugh easier now." So I suppose that is progress, he said it's hard to explain but I just seem to laugh easier, that I seem happier. So maybe grad school was a good decision after all. Often we fail to notice the subtle changes in ourselves because we wake up with ourselves every morning, but others definitely notice.
Things that feel like they are going well
Finally making progress
I finally feel like I am making progress on my studies and on my academic research. I don't want to overwork myself but really just sitting down and doing the thing I meant to do, is helping me feel less anxiety. It feels counter-intuitive but perhaps the antidote to some of my mental health problems is action, not rest. There is only so much time in the day, sometimes I can't do it all. Time tracking also helps me feel like I am making some progress. I am getting into more of a flow state with my work than before.
Limiting distractions
I am getting better at focusing for longer stretches of time. Starting off the day by reading a book seems to help. Exercising seems to help too. I have started to put my phone out of arm's reach and I'll turn off notifications. I'll make sure I am logged out of discord. I try to avoid my emails where I can.
Cleanliness and appreciating family
I have started reading a teeny bit the website Unfuck Your Habitat. I spent a good portion of the day cleaning, mainly my family kitchen because it was a mess. I've been thinking about how it is much easier to clean up a mess after someone you love versus a stranger, as I understand that my family members lead very busy, very hectic lives, and in the house we have 3 pets and a toddler. It is difficult to keep things clean for long.
I have decided to move back home, even though it is a bit of a commute from school. I think this will be better for me, it has been better so far. I'm not sure what it is but I feel like my family is kinder to me now. I suppose I can always run back to my apartment, yes, I am still paying rent unfortunately and I am having a hard time finding another tenant. But, this is part of life.
What I hope to work on
Still working on task management
Yeah... This is hard for me. I am going to sit down and plan my tomorrow, at least have a semblance of a plan, so the day is not going to take me by surprise. As I move forward in my adult life more and more tasks slip through the cracks and I feel this horrible sense of a loss of control, and for the human mind to not feel control feels like some sort of awful punishment. I think we all have a desire for a sense of control in our lives, and we pursue it in different ways. Perhaps we think making money would give us more control, but more money is not helpful if your internal state is still turbulent. The chronic stress will kill you early.
Art
After I write this blog post I may take some time to draft out tomorrow's post, it feels like a good flow to break up a post over two days instead of one so I have more time to chew on my thoughts. Of course, some days there may be longer posts than others, especially if I am traveling. My goal is to only NOT post if I really cannot! The main scenario I can think of is lacking internet access, and you can access the internet from almost anywhere now, even in the middle of the woods. Perhaps this is a little bit off topic from the "Art" header, but after I write I plan on working on some academic research.
I think it is only human to have that desire to be creative, and I have suppressed that desire for many years because of a fear of what others may think of what I create. When using social media you are constantly exposed to the best of the best of everything and you feel inadequate by comparison. Part of what makes creativity beautiful is the time, thought, and effort put into creating something - not necessarily just the end result. I like to paint, I like to draw, but in recent years I find myself in a bit of an art block. Perhaps I will look at some drawing prompts and start from there. Writing has always come much easier for me, I have just always feared the potential repercussions from expressing myself online.
Painting is especially therapeutic for me. I helped build a student theatre set this semester, and my favorite part was painting the wood to really make it come alive. To then watch the play, which was "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime", and knowing that I helped contribute to a beautiful work of art made an impact on me. I began to appreciate the importance of community a lot more, something I needed as I've struggled with feeling completely alone in this world for much of my life (even when I've had a romantic partner).
My overall feelings right now
I think life is finally getting better. I had a bad week, but I got back up and became even stronger from it. Sometimes it seems you have to collapse before you get better. I try to see my pain as a "gift", as the book "Into the Magic Shop" tries to spin it.