A letter to my old self
I'm writing this letter to the person I was, two years ago. A lot in my life has changed, and I've been reflecting on it lately.
Trigger warning: Mental health and suicide is discussed here.
Dear me, I think you already know this deep down, but that guy you're currently dating that's seven years older than you? He's horribly abusive. He hates you, no matter how much he says he loves you, his actions say otherwise. When you drive almost two hours to go see him, all he does is scream at you and drain your wallet because he's incredibly good at finding jobs but not keeping them. And yet, you still stay with him anyway. The reason you do is because you desperately want someone to love you, and you feel like this is the best that you can get. You have almost no friends, and nothing to look forward to, so all you do is spend all your money, even though you have a high-paying job. If it's not your boyfriend spending your money, it's your family spending your money.
I'm writing to tell you, that even though it feels hopeless right now, you stuck with it, and things got a lot better. After graduating I think there was a sense of loss, in the sense that there was nothing to work towards anymore. In high school it was graduating, in college, it was graduating. And then after that, it felt like life just became work. Life was work, dealing with abusive clients, and then at home, dealing with abusive boyfriends - through no fault of your own as mom and dad failed to show you what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. Life was scrolling on LinkedIn and comparing yourself to others who seemed to have it all because you were only ever taught to compare yourself to others not just by your parents, but by the adults at school, too. Everyone failed you, and it felt like no one really loved you. Life was being mindlessly entertained by Reddit, not realizing that bots were taking over the platform, not realizing that the platform was becoming a place to spread disinformation and discontent. Life was watching dumb videos on YouTube, because you had no friends to laugh with, so you laughed with sounds and visuals on a small screen.
You won't believe me, but I'm engaged now to someone that you don't know yet. You won't meet him until May 2024. He's kinder, smarter, and hotter than anyone you've ever been with. He's not even a thought in your mind right now, and you know deep down that your current boyfriend isn't right for you, but you don't know how to express it or even feel it - because all you knew was abuse growing up. Life to you right now is wondering why you're even alive, why you're even working, and what even is the point of your job. So you spend money to try to fill the void, but money can't fill that void no matter what you do, so you spend more of it.
Life growing up was hard. It was sad. It's important to be gentler to yourself, especially when you see others who "seem to have it all" because oftentimes, they were loved. They had security growing up. When you don't feel a sense of security in your life, you become depressed, everything is harder. Learning is harder. Working out is harder. Enjoying life is harder. You must be gentler to yourself, because all you knew was screaming and hatred.
What changed? I quit that horrible job. I jumped ship and went back to school, with full tuition and stipend. Some people joke that "grad school is a fallout shelter" and with the uncertain tech job market, I can agree with that statement. Overall, it's been good for me. I fell in love. I fell in love with a man that when I first met him, sincerely did not seem all that charming or perhaps very interesting. I'm happy I gave him a chance, though. We had a few awkward first dates but as I got to know him better, I realized that he's perfect for me. When it comes to relationships, friendships, romantic, or family, you shouldn't have to fight so hard for them. They just happen. They are easy, or at least, become easier with time.
I've cut out old "friends" that weren't right for me. Those that were only there for the good times but couldn't show up for the bad. I don't talk to old "family" members that only show up for a party, but not for me when I need it the most, and those who don't even know who I am. It is a painful realization, but know that saying "I love you" is not enough. It is in people's actions where you truly learn if someone loves you or not.
How did I come to this realization?
"Dad shot himself" were the exact words I heard on the phone call from my older sister one morning in August. She had texted me saying it was an emergency, I had a missed call from her. I called her back, and she told me "You need to come to the house right now" and when I probed for more details as to what happened she paused as she didn't know how to say it, so she put it bluntly.
"Dad shot himself."
I can split my life into two points, one before my dad passed, and the one after. A lot changed after dad died. When I heard he had shot himself, all my past anger towards him dissipated, as I do not wish for anyone's last moments to be so dark and lonely. He left behind a lot. A lot of memories. A lot of stuff. It's complicated in the sense that there was no closure. Before he died, there was drama. We never got to have that happy ending where we all got therapy and made up or something. It was an abrupt ending. But from there, that is when I realized who was really worth keeping around and who wasn't.
Understand that you have every single right to pick and choose who is allowed into your life, and who is not allowed into your life. It does not matter how much someone begs to stay in your life. If they are not treating you right, kick them out. It does not matter how much they say "I care about you", you need to look at their actions. I have friends who have never said "I love you" and yet, I know they do, because when I need them, they show up. When they need me, I show up. That's how a relationship should be. Sometimes people are admittedly, dysfunctional, and don't intend to hurt you because of their own shortcomings, but if their intentions are good, they may be worth keeping around. Do they show up for you? Would they drop what they're doing to get you if your car broke down? Do they make time for you?
Know that material things cannot fill the void that a community can fill. I have become so much more active in the tech community, and though sometimes I regret not sitting myself down and studying hard to do better in cybersecurity competitions, I realize that was not the path that I was meant to take. My story is one of resiliency, where many people would have given up, I kept going, and I find that much more valuable than a medal or a challenge coin. People talk to me not because I can win at competitions, but because they genuinely like who I am as a person. Technology always changes, knowledge becomes out of date, but the memories you make with people are timeless. And just know that, learning is hard because right now, you don't have a sense of security, and you are being abused. Without a sense of security, you cannot learn well.
Now I'm pursuing and learning about topics that my child self would have loved. I'm exploring applied cryptography and mathematics for my research. It is difficult relearning even basic computer science concepts, but I'm enjoying it and having fun. Grad school is not easy, but it is rewarding. I have made so many memories along the way with both old and new friends. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes, as you've essentially had to parent yourself your entire life.
Hang in there. It gets better. There is hope.